Yesterday, I cried so much .. I got irritated at Nate for beginning a pickling project as I was finishing an hour's worth of dishes (our new house has a dishwasher) to have enough space on the counter to make the boys' lunch. Why would that irritate me? Because in the moment I felt disregarded and unconsidered. This is a common theme and its talons are set deep in my psyche. It's not the truth, it's a lie that grabs a hold of my thought process and tries to tell me that no one cares about me, that what I do doesn't matter. Later that day, I had hoped to talk with Nate on the phone with my teacher and her partner, but Nate wanted to find another time because he was tired and neither one of us were really in the mood to dive into our relationship. A few minutes after I texted to reschedule and asked for an assignment the phone rang. After a quick conversation - really a quick conversation is all it takes! (I'm not sure why I want to drag things out sometimes - probably because I don't feel "heard" and want to keep going, until some small part of my self that will never be satisfied, is satisfied.) - my assignment: allow and be really awesome about it. Nate has this game on his phone that is his go to, vice?, I'm not sure what to call it. My assignment is to allow it. Because really, what better choice is there? Just allow it, allow him the time and space he needs to process and cope in his own way. I get caught up in my feelings and my feelings are so strong that I think I probably get jealous that he can just get on his phone and play a game then I feel abandoned. Writing this down gives me the proper distance to see it for what it really it. A habit. A habit of a scared, sad, sensitive person who has suffered loss and is hurting, a person that can also feel into the collective (Oh Charlottesville) as well. So, this week, I can allow, I will allow, I must allow and demonstrate that I love him through my actions and words.
We have Brendan's big doctor's appointment Tuesday where he meet his "team" and hopefully we will have the results to his genetic test. Here's to a week of allowing.