On perfectionism

“I think perfectionism is just a high-end, haute-couture version of fear. I think perfectionism is just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat, pretending to be elegant when actually it’s just terrified. Because underneath that shiny veneer, perfectionism is nothing more than a deep existential angst that says, again and again, “I’m not good enough and I will never be good enough.” We must understand that the drive for perfectionism is a corrosive waste of time because nothing is ever beyond criticism.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic

Damn.

Perfectionism is often held up as a virtue. Mercedes Benz, Lexus, BMW and the multi-billion dollar you-name-it industries would have you think that pursuing perfection is most important. Sure, its important in something requiring precision: surgery, space travel  for example. But even surgery is far from flawless. And look at all the mistakes NASA made when they left Matt Damon on Mars. I wish I had considered this point of view and this reality earlier in life. I have crippled myself pursuing perfection in certain areas - all of it an attempt to fool my fear into believing that I was in control. That it was my lack that produced certain outcomes; if I was better, perhaps it would have gone another way. I know it was fear that held me back. My heart was in the wrong place. I pursued a certain outcome, a goal, but denied myself joy, celebration, and fun in the process, in the name of “discipline” or “excellence.”

What a shame.

Had I been pursuing with the vigor of joy I posses every time I design a yoga class or create a playlist or write an email or blog post, things may have gone a different way. But, I know that now. I know that perfection is unachievable. As Ms. Gilbert writes, “It’s a myth and a trap and a hamster wheel that will run you to death.”

“So many of us believe in perfection which ruins everything else because the perfect is not only the enemy of the good; it’s also the enemy of the realistic, the possible, and the fun.”

I don’t think that I can truly stop myself from pursuing, improving, refining, but I am going to add fun to the process. I want to do it simply because I love it and I want to like it. I think going forward, I want to pursue for the love of the journey, with curiosity, wonder, and great joy.

On battling

This, you guys. This.

“The biggest opponent we will ever face in our entire lives in our smallest self.”

— Sarah Pool from the 2016 Muse Conference, Bend OR

You guys, I battle with my small self all the time. My smallest self is a serious Beast. I put out the vibe that I’m relaxed, authentic, and happy, that I spend my days in meditation, doing yoga, drinking green juice and hemp protein smoothies, cooking only yogi-esque dairy-free, wheat-free vegan food, and teaching my boys mindfulness and compassion and empathy as we venture out into the woods to commune with coopers-hawks and chickadees and trees. But, the truth is I am a frightened little rabbit that can go all full-on zombie in a snap. It happened yesterday in the kitchen, the trigger, my husband putting (flippantly tossing) his keys on the bookshelf instead in the designated key area, the specific tray meant for just keys. The words and behavior that came out of me in that moment scared even myself and I immediately left the house with a curse and a slam of the door and walked down the street barefoot until I calmed down; which took about two blocks. I immediately apologized and tried to moved on. I quickly returned to the battle with my smallest self, tears streaming down my face as I washed the dishes. My smallest self whispering all the familiar attacks. I holding my ground as non-violently as I could, waiting it out.

A few days ago, I wrote about making space for my Fear. Standing there, washing my dishes, I did this, I made space for Fear, I held fear, I calmed Fear. My husband, who is the single most amazing person I have ever known, wrapped his arms around me and and just held me - as if he was also holding space for Fear.

In this awesome talk, Sarah Pool bravely and authentically talks about what it's like to let her “smallest self” run the show; and I am sure we can all relate to what she says. I love pretty much everything about what’s happening in it - I love that my yoga-sisters in Bend are doing such amazing things to empower women and girls and themselves through the Muse Conference and all other things Muse - I feel so much pride to have practiced besides them - as teacher, peer and student, but I digress. The only thing that I didn’t internally cheer about was when Sarah talked about “squashing the small self like a bug” - I get what she was saying and she’s such a badass that I don’t want to disagree with her, I believed her fully in the moment. But, I truly want to embrace my smallest self - the mean, dark, cursing, fighting, biting, hitting, little gremlin of my small self. I want Small Self to know that it’s ok! You can relax.The fight it over - the war is over. You can just chill out and furiously clean the kitchen and baseboards whenever you get a little angsty. But seriously, you are ok. Like I said a few days ago, Creativity and Me have got this. Small Self, it's ok, you can let Superwoman out, she’s ready.

Here’s what I am going to do. I am going to write down my list of Superwoman qualities. These qualities aren’t super unrealistic. Like nowhere on my list are you going to see things like: is a totally amazing singer, or the world’s most relaxed and put together mom, or can leap tall buildings or always gets her lefts and rights correct when teaching yoga, nothing crazy or anything. But, before I show you my list, I would like for you to consider your own list. Who is your Superwoman or Superman Self? The Self that feels delighted and excited to be you? The Self that would actually laugh endearingly at all the fuss the small self makes, without judgment and with much delight and empathy. Because really the small self is never going away, we just need to find more creative ways of dealing with it.

My Super Woman is:
Calm, loving, powerful, intelligent, elegant, inspired and inspiring, articulate, potent, compassionate, wants to fight the fight to free herself and be who she is, totally ok with everything as it is and able to work diligently and joyfully, positively self-aware, relaxed and comfortable, and to use Liz Gilbert’s phrase “stubbornly glad” (because I need to put my inherited abundance of stubbornness to good use.)

I would love love love to hear back from you on this one with your list.

An Interview: Jenn Sattler - Growing Oshkosh

Jenn Sattler is a dear friend and one of best people I know. Her love and knowledge of our Earth and her quiet, humble, fierce intelligence and conviction as some things I love most. She is also a very talented author, but that's not really my place to talk about. What I would like to talk to you about is Growing Oshkosh and my interview with Jenn. Please enjoy.

KS: Jen, your sweet and purposeful dedications to the work you do at Growing Oshkosh inspired us to invest more of our time and energy into Earth Keeping. I am so grateful to call you a dear friend and I love that I can talk to you about all things environmental. Thank you so much for agreeing to take this interview. Please share what drew you to your work at Growing Oshkosh? How does this work move beyond the boundaries of the farm?

JS: I was initially drawn to Growing Oshkosh (GO) from a conversation I had with a former professor. I’d expressed interest in teaching individuals about gardening and growing food in new ways as I’d recently discovered the vast amount of information there is on the topic and so I set up a meeting with the founder, Dani Stolley. I began as volunteer, which in turn became an internship that morphed into a job. I love the idea of sharing about plants, which is one of my favorite topics to talk about, and I also have a great love for teaching children, so I was fitting addition to the farm.

Beyond the boundaries of GO, I have a garden of my own, which draws quite a bit of attention from my neighbors (and strangers who happen down our street!), as it’s in our front yard. Food and plants also seem to wriggle their way into my conversations with people, and in some sense, I’m always talking about my work, even if it’s in an indirect way.

KS: How do you nurture your connection to Spirit (i.e., God, the Divine, Jesus, Source)?

JS: There are so many ways to connect. One of the topics my husband and I have discussed in great detail is co-creating with our Creator. As God creates, we (his creation) connect to Him through creating. Gardening, growing plants and seeing life pervade is so humbling for me. Toiling with the soil and plants is one way I find creative expression and it is an opportunity for me to serve and steward what has already been given to me. Another, mostly unrelated way I connect is through writing. Writing allows me to express my imagination where I would be elsewhere limited by the confines of this world. To reach out into the unknown and grapple with the things I find there, draw me closer to God.

KS: What do you love to eat? What sorts of foods have you found give you the most benefit?

JS: Hmm, I am in love with eating fresh food that I’ve prepared, especially if they have some type of ethnic flavor to them. My husband and I eat zero processed (pre-packaged/pre-made/preservative filled) foods, and I’ve found that the fresh prepared and raw foods keep me healthy. As I have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), eliminating processed foods, and those with a high sugar content has helped me manage my IBS. Using food as a medicine has been wonderful, because everything I eat helps energize my body, instead of draining it. Recently, I’ve been experimenting with kombucha and using honey in place of all sugar. So far, so good!

KS: What sorts of practices to you do to take care of yourself?

JS: That’s a great question. Um, I eat really well. My job at GO keeps me in shape because I’m constantly moving between the on-farm work and the teaching. Children help me see the humor in life and relieve stress (mostly). I sometimes stretch and practice yoga, but I’m not in any way disciplined about it. Pretty much I garden, move a lot in my daily life, and eat food that tastes great.

KS: You aren't a mama (yet), but you work with kids almost daily at the farm, what do you think is the most important thing to teach children?

JS: A sense of awe, wonder, curiosity. I think children should be encouraged to learn, to see how the things work, and to never be told they can’t ask questions. It bothers me when questions aren’t allowed because that means the child is denied learning something new. So, when I teach at the farm or school gardens, I try to be excited and show students that there is something magnificent and wondrous in all things. Sometimes the smallest thing can be the most exciting, if only one chooses to see it that way.

KS: What music do you love? What do you listen to when you are working on the farm?

JS: Hmm, that varies greatly. Mostly, I listen to alternative (Indie?) music. It can range from Mumford and Sons, Needtobreathe, Of Monsters And Men, Lindsey Stirling, Icon for Hire, Bastille, Propaganda-a flavor of the day kind of thing. I find something I like in most music genres.

KS: What is your favorite book?

JS: I don’t have one, it’s too hard to pick; reading is one of my favorite things. I have great respect for authors such as C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien, J.K. Rowling, Rachel Carson, Aldo Leopold, Anne McCaffrey, Madeleine L’Engle-they all inspire me. The genres I’m most interested in tend to be nature writing and fantasy/science fiction, because they’re both so imaginative and have such wonderful word choice.

KS: What is your favorite movie?

JS: Again, don’t have one. I like good adventure stories, with an intriguing storyline, but without an excessive amount of gore, violence, or sexual content. So, The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, that sort of thing. I guess I like my movies like I like my books, with a great story, strong characters, and a compelling tale. [I sound like a critic, ha].

KS: Can you describe you personal style? What is you single most important piece of clothing for your work?

JS: I feel like I don’t have a style, per say. I’m very basic in my clothing, and I like simple and elegant over lots of effort. I also tend to garden and get in the soil (especially when children are around) without having regard for what I’m wearing, so the simpler, the better. And seasons dictate what clothing is most important: spring/summer: quick dry pants-children tend to water everything around them; fall/winter: a good vest to keep out Wisconsin’s cold! And shoes-sturdy, good shoes are essential!

KS: What are you really excited about right now?

JS: So many things. I’m working on writing my own book-it’s been on and off for a few years, but I’m really getting into it now. (KS: 'ITS AWSOME YOU GUYS!) Also, my husband and I are looking forward to the future when we have our own farm, and we’ve been learning about permaculture and alternative farming systems lately.

KS: What are you currently obsessed with?

JS: Books. Plants. Writing. Homesteading. Adam and I are learning more about simplifying our life and making choices that reduce our impact on the earth. It’s fair to say I’m more obsessed than he is, but it’s been really fun and freeing to reduce what’s in our house and to discover new skills about how to preserve food and lighten our footsteps on the earth. Food is our obsession; we love searching and finding the best food to buy and prepare in the area, all on a tight budget of course.

KS: (this question is because my blog is a yoga blog!, but feel free to answer how ever you wish - its kinda a standard question I ask people I interview, but it may not apply in your case ...) Do you have a yoga practice? Could you talk a little about yoga and some of the benefits you have experienced?

JS: I sometimes have a yoga practice, when I remember to. I’ve never been really disciplined at yoga, but I love the flexibility, mental stability, and focus I get when I practice. For me, I’ve never solidified it as a daily practice, but it’s something I’d like to do at some point in life. Yoga’s so peaceful and refreshing.

KS: Do you have a favorite quote to share?

JS: That’s like asking me to pick a favorite plant, it can’t be just one. As it is:

“Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, ‘You owe me.’ Look what happens with a love like that. It lights up the whole sky.”

— Hafiz

“Courage, dear heart.”

— CS Lewis

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Want to volunteer at the Growing oshkosh urban farm?

They will be hosting a training/orientation session on Saturday, April 9 from 10:00-11:30AM.

CONTACT: GROWINGOSHKOSH@GMAIL.COM

and for more from Jenn visit her blog, Simpleworldstewards.com, which she co-authors with her husband Adam.
 

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The House of Belonging

I awoke this morning in the gold light turning this way and that
thinking for a moment it was one day like any other.

But the veil had gone from my darkened heart
and I thought it must have been the quiet candlelight that filled my room,

it must have been the first easy rhythm with which I breathed myself to sleep,
it must have been the prayer I said speaking to the otherness of the night.

And I thought this is the good day you could meet your love,
this is the black day someone close to you could die.

This is the day you realize how easily the thread is broken between this world and the next
and I found myself sitting up in the quiet pathway of light,
the tawny close grained cedar burning round me like fire
and all the angels of this housely heaven ascending through the first roof of light the sun has made.

This is the bright home in which I live, 
this is where I ask my friends to come,
this is where I want to love all the things it has taken me so long to learn to love.

This is the temple of my adult aloneness
and I belong to that alonenes sas I belong to my life.

There is no house like the house of belonging.

 

-David Whyte, The House of Belonging

On Fear, Creativity, and Liz Gilbert's Big Magic

Until recently, I have felt cranky, frustrated, irritated, overwhelmed, sad, terrified. Trapped by the screams of little boys and their poop, and dishes and housekeeping, politics, and life with all its opportunities for madness. Until recently I have been gradually moving towards crisis. Until recently, I have all but lost it on many days. Until recently, I have been working diligently to uncover what’s hidden with in me and it has been dark. No jewels, only dark, deep, treachery - nothing’s in there but darkness, and those jewels they say exist, don’t. That has been until recently.

Presently, I have seen something new. Something that rekindles the hope that such jewels, in fact, do exist. And if I keep digging, keep doing the work, they will be unearthed.

What has stopped me? What has stopped me from going further and instead turns me around to get caught in all the dirt and darkness? What has stopped me from cultivating and deploying my courage - a facet of myself I have always been proud of?

Fear. It’s definitely fear.

In Big Magic, Elizabeth Gilbert writes

“... you don’t need your fear in the realm of creative expression. Seriously, you don’t. Just because you don’t need your fear when it comes to creativity, of course, doesn’t mean you fear won’t show up. Trust me, your fear will always show up - especially when you’re trying to be inventive or innovative. Your fear will alway be triggered by your creativity, because creativity asks you to enter in realms of uncertain outcome and fear hates uncertain outcome. Your fear - programmed by evolution to be hyper vigilant and insanely overprotective - will always assume that any uncertain outcome is destined to end in a bloody, horrible death. Basically, your fear is like a mall cop who thinks he’s a Navy SEAL: he hasn’t slept in days, he’s all hopped up on Red Bull, and he’s liable to shoot at his own shadow in an absurd effort to keep everyone “safe”.

This is all totally natural and human. It is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It is, however, something that very much needs to be dealt with.”

Until recently, I have felt shame around being afraid - thinking that it’s not normal, that I am somehow crazy and if I were “good” I wouldn’t be afraid and it would all be effortless. Therefore, I have been at war with my fear. The battles ended in rage induced blindness or big face-contorting tears - in either case, fear won, I lost, and a little bit of me died. Bits and pieces of my creativity taken as trophy so to be worn around Fears neck. The battles have been wearing me out for years and it's all to do with my unwillingness to accept it - as totally natural and human and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

So, how am I to deal with my fear.

Elizabeth Gilbert shares how she learned to deal with her fear in the form of this speech ..

“Dearest Fear:
Creativity and I are about to go on a roadtrip together. I understand you’ll be joining us, because you always do. I acknowledge that you believe you have an important job to do in my life, and that you take your job seriously. Apparently your job is to induce complete panic whenever I’m about to do anything interesting - and may I say, you are superb at your job. So by all means, keep doing your job, if you feel you must. But I will also be doing my job on this road trip, which is to work hard and stay focused. And Creativity will be doing its job, which is to remain stimulating and inspiring. There’s plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, so make yourself at home, but understand this: Creativity and I are the only ones who will be making any decisions along the way. I recognize and respect that you are part of this family, and so I will ever exclude you from our activities, but still - your suggestions will never be followed. You’re allowed to have a seat, you’re allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote. You’re not allowed to touch the road maps; you’re not allow to suggest detours; you’re not allowed to fiddle with the temperature. And dude, you are definitely not allowed to touch the radio. But above all else, my dear old familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive.”

Presently, I am finding ways to accept fear, to invite fear along for the ride. Treating fear with respect and kindness and compassion. I am not chastising my fear, I am not ridiculing my fear, I’m not even asking fear to go away. Because, when I do, I kill a little bit of my creativity and my desire to live creatively.

Liz (of course I would call her Liz, because we are old friends) defines creative living as this …

“… living a life that is driven more strongly by curiosity than by fear ...

A creative life is an amplified life. It’s a bigger life, a happier life, an expanded life, and a hell of a lot more interesting life. Living in this manner - continually and stubbornly bringing forth the jewels that are hidden within you - is a fine art, in an of itself .. Creative living is where Big Magic will always abide …”

She defines Big Magic like this, she says …

“Surely something wonderful is sheltered inside you. I say this will all confidence, because I happened to believe we are all walking repositories of buried treasure. I believe this is one of the oldest and most generous tricks that universe plays on us human beings, not only for its own amusement and for ours: The universe buries strange jewels deep within us all, and then stands back to see if we can find them.

The hunt to uncover those jewels - that’s creative living.

The courage to go on that hunt in the first place - that’s what separates a mundane existence from a more enchanted one. The often surprising results of that hunt - that’s what I call Big Magic.”

So, what I am I to do with this rekindling of hope for jewels and hunting them? Here is my plan.

I plan to make space for fear - especially when it's fear that my children will not stop screaming and I will go completely insane. I will expect fear to show up when I have new opportunities and I’m not sure how they will go or really any time when I am unsure what the outcome will be - so in every situation. I will make space for fear to live and breathe alongside every inspiration and no longer battle it.  I will create space for fear when I’m feeling down, unsure if happiness will return. And when I'm fearful that I don't have enough time, I will make the most space. I plan to cultivate more creativity, because I know I am the most brave and most sane when I am creating. And, I will create not just in the quiet times I have to myself, but all day long - through parenting, being a wife and lover and friend, through housekeeping, cooking, and laundry and the mundane tasks of each day - I plan to approach it all with a sense of curiosity, looking everywhere for Inspiration. 

Fear, may you feel welcome and comfortable here and may you enjoy the show as Creativity and I get to work. xoxo, Kat

Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

$13.72

By Elizabeth Gilbert

Buy on Amazon